- Auditing
- Accounting
- Tax Compliance
- Estates and Trusts
- Business Consulting
- Company Secretarial
- Broad-Based Black Economic Empowerment
- Tax Consulting
- Internal Audit
- IFRS Consultation and Training
LDP accepts no responsibility (well not too much) for hurt feelings, damaged egos and politically incorrect statements, but you're most welcome to air your views or contribute a joke by e-mailing Jock de Jager (jock@ldp.co.za).
UP THE SCOTS
The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', Ole demanded.
'Well' she said, 'you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'
The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear..'
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. 'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers Why not?'
She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'
Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear"!
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
'Sweet mudder of Mary, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?' She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.'
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb....tidyyerself up a bit.'
Ducks in Heaven
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says,'We only have one rule here in heaven:'Don't step on the ducks!' They look at one another, frown and enter heaven, and are met with the sight of thousands of ducks carpeting the floor of heaven!
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck.
And along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, very careful and just shuffles wherever she goes.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on: tall, dark, muscular, long eyelashes - a dream of a man...
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I just stepped on a duck."
ONSKULD (cannot be translated)
'n Dogtertjie sing:
"Jesus is lief vir seuntjies en vir dogtertjies en vir elke fokken hasie."
"Néé!" skree haar ma, geskok..."Vir elke VOLK EN NASIE!!!"
MAYDAY
A blonde is on board a small two-seater airplane when suddenly the pilot dies.
Not knowing how to fly a plane she grabs the radio.
"Mayday, mayday! My pilot just died!"
Ground control receives her call for help and answers back:
"Don't worry, ma'am. Just remain calm, I've talked a number of people like you down - just do exactly as I say.
First I need you to give me your height and position."
"I'm 160 cm and sitting in the right front seat."
Ground control: "OK - now repeat after me: "Our Father... which art in Heaven...""
6 Minute Management Course
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you R1000 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her R1000 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob, the next door neighbor,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the R1000 he owes me?'
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift..
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister, but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree', sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there...
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
INSTANT CURE
A dog lover, whose dog was a bitch and 'in heat', agreed to look after and house her neighbour's male dog while they were away on vacation.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep them apart. But as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage as so frequently happens when they mate.
Unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"It just worked for me" he replied.
THE LAW OF DIMISHING AVERAGES (MORE SERIOUS)
An economics professor at a local college made a statement that he had never failed a single student before but had once failed an entire class. That class had insisted that socialism worked and that no one would be poor and no one would be rich, a great equalizer.
The professor then said, "OK, we will have an experiment in this class on socialism. All grades would be averaged and everyone would receive the same grade so no one would fail and no one would receive an A.
After the first test, the grades were averaged and everyone got a B. The students who studied hard were upset and the students who studied little were happy.
As the second test rolled around, the students who studied little had studied even less and the ones who studied hard decided they wanted a free ride too so they studied little. The second test average was a D! No one was happy. When the 3rd test rolled around, the average was an F.
The scores never increased as bickering, blame and name-calling all resulted in hard feelings and no one would study for the benefit of anyone else.
All failed, to their great surprise, and the professor told them that socialism would also ultimately fail because when the reward is great, the effort to succeed is great but when government takes the reward away, no one will try or want to succeed.
Could not be any simpler than that.
What a profound short little paragraph that says it all:
"You cannot legislate the poor into freedom by legislating the wealthy out of freedom. What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that my friend, is about the end of any nation.
You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it."
~ Dr. Adrian Rogers, 1931
The Arrogance of Authority
A DEA (Drugs Enforcement Agency) officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and spoke with an old rancher.
He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded, saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!"
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and stuck into the farmer's face.
"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish...on any land!!
No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear...do you understand?!!"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's massive Santa Gertrudis bull.
With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd be gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs:
"Your badge, show him your BADGE...!!"
KNOW THE FEELING?
Usually on week-ends, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Makro. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Makro.
Dear Mrs. Van Heerden
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Van Heerden, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. Jan 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. Feb 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. Feb 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. Feb 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away". This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. March 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a box of SMARTIES on lay-buy.
6. March 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. March 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. March 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' Paramedics were called.
9. April 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. April 10: While handling knifes in the kitchen department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. May 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. May 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. May 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. May 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least:
15. May 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here." One of our clerks passed out.
UP THE IRISH
Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one looked at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland .'
The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, sure I am!'
The first one says, 'So am I! And where about in Ireland are ya from?'
The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am.'
The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what street did you live on in Dublin ?'
The other woman says, 'A lovely little area. It was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.'
The first one says, 'Faith, and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?'
The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course.'
The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?'
The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'
The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self!'
About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'
Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?'
Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are drunk again.'
BE CAREFUL WHEN YOU NEXT VOTE
While walking down the street one day a Member of Parliament is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the Entrance.
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his long-lost friends and other politicians who had worked with him
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly and nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would Never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
'I don't understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?'
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning... Today you voted.'
COMPUTER QUERIES! Customer: Hi, this is John ... I can't get my diskette out. |
THREAT LEVELS IN 2011 EUROPE : BY JOHN CLEESE
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased their alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans have increased their alert level from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .
The Spanish have new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
MY LIVING WILL
Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "My dear, after much thinking I have decided that I shall put in writing that I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
So she got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out my wine...
THE DEAF ACCOUNTANT
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his accountant has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His accountant is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf accountant would not hear anything that he might to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront the accountant about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is." The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the money is.
The accountant signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the accountant's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the accountant: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!" The accountant signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"
The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?" The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
SIX AFFAIRS
- THE 1ST AFFAIR
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One afternoon they went to her place and one thing led to another, they fell asleep andwoke up only at 8 pm. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded. 'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'
She took one look at his shoes and said:
'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'
- THE 2ND AFFAIR
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'No, not this time!'
- THE 3RD AFFAIR
A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery: Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician said, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
'I have something you won't believe to show you,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase and allowing her to look.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'
- THE 4TH AFFAIR
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. 'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.' She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. ‘The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'
No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 am the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'
- THE 5TH AFFAIR
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.' 'One Cent?' the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'
Ten cents,' the barman replied. 'Ten cents?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.' The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?' The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'
- THE 6TH AFFAIR
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to, 'his wife replied. 'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know, lovey' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison do its work.'
HOW TO TRULY IMPRESS A CLIENT
I was in the airport VIP lounge en route to London a couple of weeks ago. While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the corner, enjoying a drink. I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle, but she was running a little bit late. Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft chairman, introduced myself, and said, "Mr. Gates, I wonder if you would do me a favor."
"Yes?"
"I'm sitting right over there," pointing to my seat at the bar, and I'm waiting on a very important client. Would you be so kind when he arrives as to come walk by and just say, 'Hi, Antonie,'?"
"Sure."
I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat. About ten minutes later, my client showed up. We ordered a drink and started to talk business.
A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates.
"Hi, Antonie," he said.
I replied, "Bugger off, Gates, I'm in a meeting."
A GOOD STORY
A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 160kmh, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the N1, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 180km/h, then 220 then 240km/h. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.
Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old man looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir", said the policeman
LIFE SAVERS |
And the winner of the Darwin Awards for 2010 is:
Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema, when the relieved beast unloaded. The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock, as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves... 'sh*t happens'.
STARTLING FIND IN AFRICA
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists
found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the
conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more
than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Brit's, in the weeks that followed, an American
archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story
published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding
traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestorsalready had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years
earlier than the British".
One week later, the Cape Times, in South Africa, reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Thabazimbi, South
Africa, Lucky Simelane, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he
found absolutely NOTHING . Lucky has therefore concluded that 250 years
ago, Africa had already gone wireless."
Just makes you bloody proud to be from Africa!
REALITY STRIKES
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get adivorce it means that you don't get any more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Ferraris and Lexuses in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.
THE POWER OF PRAYER
One Sunday morning, the preacher asked, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed for, please come forward to the front of the altar."
With that, a man got in line, and when it was his turn, the preacher asked, "Dick, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Dick replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The preacher put one finger of one hand in Dick's ear, placed his other hand on top of Dick's head, and then started praying.
He prayed soulfully and for a long time and at the end the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.
After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Dick, how is your hearing now?"
Dick answered, "I don't know - it's not till Wednesday."
THE SCOTTISH PAINTER
There was a Scottish painter named Smokey Macgregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.
As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.
Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.
So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with water...
Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.
Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried:
"Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke...
"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
WISDOM
A guy is 60 years old and loves to fish.
He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say,
'Pick me up.'
He looked around and couldn't see any one.
He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,
'Pick me up.'
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'
The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.
Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride! I'll make your nights something to remember and you won't be able to wait for bed time."
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.
The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?
I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful, passionate bride.'
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,
'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'
With age comes wisdom.
WOMEN ARE BETTER FINANCIAL PLANNERS
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away."I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "But in just a few years my father will die and I will inherit $200 million".
Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three months later, she became his ... stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men...
FREE SEX WITH EVERY FILL-UP
Van has a Petrol station in Poffadder and was trying to increase his sales.
So he put up a sign that read, "Free Sex with every Fill-Up."
Soon Koos pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. Van told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Koos guessed 8 and Van said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time."
A week later, Koos, along with his buddy Frikkie, pulled in for another fill-up.
Again he asked for his free sex. Van again asked him to guess the correct number. He guessed 2 this time. Van said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away, Koos said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."
Frikkie replied, "Nooooit, it are not rigged. My wife won twice last week."
INDIAN BUSINESS METHODS
Rajpat (father): "I want you to marry a girl of my choice."
Son: "I will choose my own bride!!!"
Rajpat: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter.. "
Son: "Well, in that case... ok"
Next Rajpat approaches Bill Gates.
Rajpat: "I have a husband for your daughter..."
Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!!!!!"
Rajpat: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case... ok"
Finally Rajpat goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Rajpat: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President: "But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!
Rajpat: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."
President: "Ah, in that case... ok"
And that is how Indians do business. and All and All!
THE DELIVERY
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.
When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling,
'You Sign! You sign!'
Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.
Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder,
'You Sign! You sign!'
Nelson says to him, 'Look, you've obviously got the wrong man', and shuts the door in his face.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again.
When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads.
He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling,
'You sign! You sign!'
Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting:
'Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!' Then he slams the door in his face again.
The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again.
On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting,
'You sign! You sign!'
Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.
This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little Man by his shirt front and yells at him:
'Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to deliver these to?'
The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:
'You not Nissan Main Deala?'
HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?
An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat. He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?" The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to."
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector --not wanting to get a toe blown off-- started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied. When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately.
The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's ass?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... but... I've always wanted to."
There are a few lessons for us all here:
Never be arrogant.
Don't waste ammunition.
Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
Don't mess with old men; they didn't get old by being stupid.
QUICK THINKING
A man boarded an aircraft in New York and took his seat. As he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He realized she was heading straight towards his seat and, Bingo! She took the seat right beside him.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in France ."
He swallowed hard. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "what's your business role at this convention?
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really," he smiled, "What myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that black men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Red Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Indian descent. We have found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Afrikaners."
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, I really shouldn't be discussing this with you; I don't even know your name
"Running Bear," the man said...."Running Bear Naidoo, but my friends call me Frikkie."
HOW TO GET TO HEAVEN IN IRELAND
I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'
'NO!' the children answered.
'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'
'NO!', they exclaimed.
'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?'
In unison, another resounding, 'NO!'.
I was just bursting with pride for them.
I continued, 'Then how can I get into heaven?'
A six year-old boy at the back shouted out, "YUV GOTTAE BE FOCKN' DEAD..."
HEART-WARMING
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.
The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same damn elephant.
A HAIRY STORY
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.
The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'
Father: 'Did you also notice they walked everywhere they went?'
GUESS MY OCCUPATION
A farmer named Dave was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in the Eastern Cape when suddenly a brand-new BMW X5 advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes and RayBan sunglasses, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Dave looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASApage on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Dave.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Dave says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're an official in the South African Department of Agriculture", says Dave.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the farmer. "You showed up here on my farm even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ..."
"Now give me back my dog."
YOU'RE NEVER TOO OLD TO LEARN
During a commercial airline flight an Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a baby in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible. The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related impedimentia.
When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby....and he sure was hungry!"
Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said nursing would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.
The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been chewing gum."
HOT AIR (A TIME FOR INTROSPECTION?)
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude, and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be in Information Technology," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "how did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.
The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow it's my damn fault."
Etiket deur Nataniël
Wenke aan die dames:
Daar is niks so mooi soos ´n kant boudeflossie wat net so effens uitsteek nie - by die regte lyf, maar met die klem op "net so effens", en die regte lyf... Ek kry trane in my oë as ek van agter vir 'n vrou loer en dit lyk of haar boude besig is om haar g-string op te eet. Dit het net gewerk vir Bill Clinton, toe Monica dit gedoen het. En kyk wat was die gevolge.
As jy ´n rolletjie (of twee of drie...) het, moet asseblief nie´n boob-tube met ´n oop magie dra nie, ook nie 'n kort top by 'n hipster nie!
Die spek-wors/rolletjie suurdeeg wat oor ´n belt borrel is verkeerd in enige boek, en bederf die aptyt.
Alhoewel jy baie trots voel daarop, wil ons asb. nie jou nuwe naeltjiering sien nie, vernaam nie as jy die rolletjie eers moet oopvou terwyl jy met die ander hand 'n metaalverklikker gebruik om die dingetjie te probeer opspoor nie.
Onthou tog asb. om in die spieël te kyk voordat jy uit die huis gaan in die oggend, dit mag dalk vir jou lyk asof die mensdom jou bates wat oral uitpeul bewonder, maar wees verseker dat hulle jou in skok en afgryse aanstaar - al waaroor hul jou bewonder, is jou moed om so in die publiek te verskyn. Dit wys ook dadelik jy is very very lonely en available, want as jy iemand gehad het wat omgee, was jy onder huis-arres geplaas tot jy van gewaad verwissel het.
Wees asb. versigtig wanneer 'n broek gemaak uit die nuwe rekmateriaal gedra word - vernaam in wit/beige - dit lê beslis klem op alle bewegende dele asook haelduike/skade - die term "twee varkies in 'n nat streepsak" is hier goed van toepassing. Die toppunt is om 'n swart g-string daarby te dra wat die 2 varkies elkeen in sy eie hok probeer hou.
Nog 'n groot "no-no" is spykerhakke by 'n sweetpakbroek. Die wat net daarna kyk, begin al te sweet.
Wenke aan die mans
Werksdrag:
Wit sokkies word NOOIT by werksklere gedra nie, net pedofiele doen dit.
Jou sokkies se kleur moet by jou broek se kleur pas; donkerblou of donkergrys sokkies pas nie by ´n swart broek en swart skoene nie.
Van skoene gepraat; jy dra nie skoene met sole van meer as 1cm by ´n "pak" broek nie. Onthou, hoe hoër jy staan hoe harder val jy.
En as die skoen enige gechroomde metaal aan het, dra jy dit glad nie (behalwe as jy navorsing oor magneetvelde doen).
´n Das by ´n kortmouhemp lyk moer kommin en ‘n das wat te kort is, lyk nog erger - veral as jy 'n pens het, vat dit die koek.
Effekleurige dashemde met wit krae is dood - brand of begrawe dit. Moet nooit ´n geel das dra nie, dit lyk of ´n heks op jou gekots het. Moet ook nooit ´n das met Disney-karakters dra nie - as jy ernstig opgeneem wil word, moet jy soos "CNN" lyk, nie soos "Cartoon Network" nie. Colour-code beteken NIE dat jou Disney-karakter-kouse en -das bymekaar moet pas nie!!!!
Informeel:
'n Swart belt of skoene word nie by blou jeans gedra nie. ´n Belt buckle wat groter is as jou kop word slegs gedra as jy op vakansie is in Texas of Vereeniging.
Jy dra nie ´n afmouhemp in die publiek nie, die chicks speck jou wel meer, maar dis uit afgryse - jy fire nie hulle jets nie!
PT-broeke met die ¨slits¨ aan die kante lyk, en is ongemaklik, moenie dit dra behalwe as jy ander gay mense opgewonde wil maak, of 'n skelm poep wil laat ontsnap nie.
Die hele doel van ´n pet, is om die son uit jou oë te hou, nie uit jou ore of agterkop nie, dra die afdakkie na voor en as jy onderdak inloop, haal dit af.
Jou broek se bokant moet op jou heupbene sit, nie onder jou gat of onder jou arms nie. Niemand stel belang hoe jou boxer lyk of watse snaakse vorme jou genitalieë onder druk aanneem nie.
Bykomstighede:
´n Sonbril hoort op jou oë, in sy sakkie, of in jou hand, nie op jou kop, om jou nek, of voor aan jou kraag nie! En haal tog jou sonbril af as jy met iemand praat, behalwe as jy nou net iets gesteel het.
Sonbrille hoort glad nie naby jou in die aand nie. Die woord "Sonbril" verklaar alles - dis slegs nodig in die dag wanneer die son skyn vir die mense wie se oë sensitief is vir lig
Mans/dames - 'n bril op jou kop in die aand is kommin! Dames (en vir die mans wat daarna hunker...) - daar is die mooiste haargoedjies op die winkelrakke beskikbaar om daai kuif uit die oë te hou.
´n Selfoon moet nie aan jou belt gedra word nie - dis ´n Nokia, nie ´n Beretta nie.
'n Belt is gemaak om jou broek bo te hou, nie vir jou selfoon, knipmes, Leatherman, toolbox, Beretta, Beretta se laserscope, Beretta se ekstra patrone, botteltjie haarolie, kondome, ens nie.
Jou kam hoort in die badkamer, nie in jou kous nie, maakie saak wat jou pa destyds gesê het nie! En haarolie is iets wat deur die Nazi's uitgedink is om vroue reg oor die wereld te pynig, hulle noem dit massamarteling.
Sterkte...
Three men and the Pope
Three South Africans are sitting in a restaurant.
Suddenly they start staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He looks so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad. They stare and stare, until suddenly the one man shouts: "My goodness, that is the POPE!" Sure enough, it is the POPE.
Thrilled, they club in and send him over the best course on the menu. The Pope accepts the food, smiles over at the three men, and starts eating. After he's finished eating, the Pope approaches the trio. He reaches for the hand of the one man and shakes it, thanking him for the food.
When he lets go, the man gives a cry of amazement: "My Goodness! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"
The Pope then also shakes the second man's hand, thanking him.
As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. "It's true bru, the bad back I've had all my life is completely cured. It's a miracle!"
The Pope then approaches the third man who knocks over a chair and a table in trying to get away from the Pope.
"What's wrong?" asks the Pope.
The man shouts, "Don't touch me, I'm on a disability grant!!!
Kemo Sabe
|
Soccer for Liverpool
The Liverpool manager, Rafael Benitez, flies to Cape Town to watch a young South African play football. He is suitably impressed and arranges him to come over to Anfield.
Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Manchester Utd with only 20 minutes left to play. The manager gives the young SA striker the nod and on he goes.
The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.
'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, and we were 4-0
down but I scored 5 goals and we won, Everybody loves me, the fans, the media,
they all love me.'
'Wonderful,' cries his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed; your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters and all while you were having such a great time playing bloody football.'
The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry.'
"Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!" shrieks his mum, "It's your bloody fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place.
I'm suffering from Age-Related Attention Deficit Disorder
These are typical symptoms:
I decide to water the lawn. As I turn on the tap to the hose pipe, I look at the car and decide it needs washing. As I head for the garage, I notice some post in the letter box.
I decide to go through the post before I wash the car.
I put the car keys down on the porch table, put the junk mail in the bin under the table, and notice that it's full. So I decide to put the bills back on the porch table and empty the bin first.
But then I think, no, before I forget I'll pay the bills first. I pick up my cheque book, and see there's only one cheque left. My new cheque book is in the desk in the study, so I go there, where I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for the new cheque book, but first I take care to move the can of Coke aside, so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I notice that the Coke is getting warm, so decide to put it in the fridge to keep it cold.
Going towards the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the table catches my eye - they need to be watered.
I put the can down on the table, and find my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide they'll be safer back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I put the glasses back down on the table, fill a jug with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
When we want to watch TV tonight, I'll be looking for the remote, but won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the living room where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water into the flower vase, but some of it spills onto the carpet.
I quickly put the remote back on the table, get some towels and mop the carpet dry.
Then I go down the hall, trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:-
* the lawn hasn't been watered,
* the car hasn't been washed,
* the bills haven't been paid,
* there's a warm can of Coke sitting on the table,
* the flowers don't have enough water,
* there's still only one cheque in my cheque book,
* I can't find the remote,
* I can't find my glasses,
* I can't remember where I put the car keys.
My next-door neighbour has called to tell me he turned off the hose because water was running down my drive onto the road.
Then when I try to work out how I didn't achieve anything today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day, and I'm really tired. I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
Don't laugh.
If this isn't you yet, then your day's coming!
GROWING OLDER IS COMPULSORY.
GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL.
LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC
A Modern Parable
A Japanese company (Toyota) and an American company (General Motors) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.
The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing. Feeling a deeper study was in order, American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion. They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing. Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the 'Rowing Team Quality First Program' with meetings, dinners and free pens for each rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.
The next year the Japanese won by two miles.
Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and cancelled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's racing team was out-sourced to India.
Sadly, The End.
Here's something else to think about: Ford has spent the last thirty years moving all its factories out of the US, claiming they can't make money paying American wages. TOYOTA has spent the last thirty years building more than a dozen plants inside the US. The last quarter's results: TOYOTA makes 4 billion in profits while Ford racked up 9 billion in losses. Ford folks are still scratching their heads.
IF THIS WASN'T SO SAD, IT MIGHT BE FUNNY
Poker in heaven
Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.
They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.
The angel said 'Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which of one of you will be admitted.'
The angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly took off her top and said, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'
The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth, the same question.
The Queen walked over to a toilet, pressed the lever, and flushed it without saying a word.
The Angel immediately said, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven.'
Dolly was outraged and asked, 'What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?'
'Sorry, Dolly,' said the Angel, 'but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are.'
The Scottish golfer
An 80-year-old Scotsman goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'How do you stay in such great physical condition?'
I'm Scottish and I am a golfer,' says the old guy, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a wee glass of whisky, and all is well.'
'Well,' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?'
'Who said my Dads deid?'
The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Dad's still alive. How old is he?'
'He's 100 years old,' says the Old Scottish golfer. 'In fact he golfed wi' me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had anither wee dram and that's why he's still alive.
'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?'
'Who said my grandad's deid?'
Stunned, the doctor asks, 'You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?'
'He's 118 years old,' says the Old Scottish golfer.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'
'No. Grandad couldnae go this mornin' because he's getting married today.'
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married!! Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?'
'Who said he wanted to?'
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
My wife then called him an anal moron. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes as the more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus and the car had a Julius Malema supporter sticker on it. Now that we are retired we try to have a little fun each day; it's important at our age.
Video clip - When last have you had your eyes tested?
Tit for Tat
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded, smelly and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome!"
"So, how are you getting there?" "We're taking Continental," was the reply, "We got a great rate!""Continental?" said the hairdresser. "That's a crap airline. Their planes are ancient, their flight attendants are brash, and they're always late."
"So, where are you staying in Rome ?" "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste." "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump and I mean a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope." "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser, "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again in came for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome. "It was wonderful," exclaimed the woman. "Not only were we on time on one of Continental's brand-new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome, pleasant, 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot."
"And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million re-modelling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!" "Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope." "Actually, we were quite lucky," said the woman, "As we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors one-on-one and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me."
"Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few soft words to me."
"Oh, really! What did he say?"
"He asked me who buggered up my hair, he noticed it from the balcony!"
I think you're the father of one of my kids
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello.
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,
"Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."
Religious Marketing
Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a Cross in front of him, the other a Star of David.
Many people pass by and look at both beggars, but, invariably, they only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross. A priest comes by, stops and watches the multitudes of people giving money to the beggar behind the Cross, but none giving to the beggar behind the Star of David.
Finally, the priest approaches the beggar behind the Star of David and says: ‘My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a Cross. In fact, they'll probably make a donation to him just out of spite.'
The beggar behind the Star of David listens quietly to the priest, and then finally turns to the beggar with the Cross and says: ‘Sol, so look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about Marketing!'
Who's the dummy?
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Islamorada.
With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.
What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?
What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching their full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humour!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde yells:
"You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"
Even better than the baby shower
A TAX (LIFE?) LESSON
Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to R100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:
the first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing, the fifth R1, the sixth R3, the seventh R7, the eighth R12, the ninth R18 and the tenth man (the richest) would pay R59.
So, that's what they decided to do..
The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve ball. "Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by R20". Drinks for the ten men would now cost just R80. The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes. So the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men - the paying customers? How could they divide the R20 windfall so that everyone would get his fair share? They realised that R20 divided by six is R3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer. So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by a higher percentage the poorer he was, to follow the principle of the tax system they had been using, and he proceeded to work out the amounts he suggested that each should now pay. And so the fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% saving). The sixth now paid R2 instead of R3 (33% saving), the seventh R5 instead of R7 (28% saving), the eighth R9 instead of R12 (25% saving), the ninth R14 instead of R18 (22% saving), and the tenth now paid R49 instead of R59 (16% saving). Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But, once outside the bar, the men began to compare their savings. "I only got a pound out of the R20 saving," declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man,"but he got R10!" "Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved a rand too. It's unfair that he got ten times more benefit than me!" "That's true!" shouted the seventh man, "Why should he get R10 back, when I got only R2?
The wealthy get all the breaks!"
"Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison, "we didn't get anything at all. This new tax system exploits the poor!" The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up. The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had their beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill! And that, boys and girls, journalists and government ministers, is how our tax system works. The people who already pay the highest taxes will naturally get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas, where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.
For those who understand, no explanation is needed.
For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible.
