- Auditing
- Accounting
- Tax Compliance
- Estates and Trusts
- Business Consulting
- Company Secretarial
- Broad-Based Black Economic Empowerment
- Tax Consulting
LDP accepts no responsibility (well not too much) for hurt feelings, damaged egos and politically incorrect statements, but you're most welcome to air your views or contribute a joke by e-mailing Jock de Jager (jock@ldp.co.za).
INDIAN BUSINESS METHODS
Rajpat (father): "I want you to marry a girl of my choice."
Son: "I will choose my own bride!!!"
Rajpat: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter.. "
Son: "Well, in that case... ok"
Next Rajpat approaches Bill Gates.
Rajpat: "I have a husband for your daughter..."
Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!!!!!"
Rajpat: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case... ok"
Finally Rajpat goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Rajpat: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President: "But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!
Rajpat: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."
President: "Ah, in that case... ok"
And that is how Indians do business. and All and All!
THE DELIVERY
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.
When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling,
'You Sign! You sign!'
Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.
Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder,
'You Sign! You sign!'
Nelson says to him, 'Look, you've obviously got the wrong man', and shuts the door in his face.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again.
When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads.
He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling,
'You sign! You sign!'
Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting:
'Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!' Then he slams the door in his face again.
The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again.
On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting,
'You sign! You sign!'
Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.
This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little Man by his shirt front and yells at him:
'Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to deliver these to?'
The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:
'You not Nissan Main Deala?'
HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?
An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat. He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?" The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to."
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector --not wanting to get a toe blown off-- started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied. When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately.
The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's ass?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... but... I've always wanted to."
There are a few lessons for us all here:
Never be arrogant.
Don't waste ammunition.
Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
Don't mess with old men; they didn't get old by being stupid.
QUICK THINKING
A man boarded an aircraft in New York and took his seat. As he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He realized she was heading straight towards his seat and, Bingo! She took the seat right beside him.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in France ."
He swallowed hard. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "what's your business role at this convention?
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really," he smiled, "What myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that black men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Red Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Indian descent. We have found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Afrikaners."
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, I really shouldn't be discussing this with you; I don't even know your name
"Running Bear," the man said...."Running Bear Naidoo, but my friends call me Frikkie."
HOW TO GET TO HEAVEN IN IRELAND
I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'
'NO!' the children answered.
'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'
'NO!', they exclaimed.
'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?'
In unison, another resounding, 'NO!'.
I was just bursting with pride for them.
I continued, 'Then how can I get into heaven?'
A six year-old boy at the back shouted out, "YUV GOTTAE BE FOCKN' DEAD..."
HEART-WARMING
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.
The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same damn elephant.
A HAIRY STORY
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.
The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'
Father: 'Did you also notice they walked everywhere they went?'
GUESS MY OCCUPATION
A farmer named Dave was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in the Eastern Cape when suddenly a brand-new BMW X5 advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes and RayBan sunglasses, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Dave looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASApage on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Dave.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Dave says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're an official in the South African Department of Agriculture", says Dave.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the farmer. "You showed up here on my farm even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ..."
"Now give me back my dog."
YOU'RE NEVER TOO OLD TO LEARN
During a commercial airline flight an Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a baby in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible. The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related impedimentia.
When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby....and he sure was hungry!"
Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said nursing would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.
The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been chewing gum."
HOT AIR (A TIME FOR INTROSPECTION?)
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude, and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be in Information Technology," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "how did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.
The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow it's my damn fault."
Etiket deur Nataniël
Wenke aan die dames:
Daar is niks so mooi soos ´n kant boudeflossie wat net so effens uitsteek nie - by die regte lyf, maar met die klem op "net so effens", en die regte lyf... Ek kry trane in my oë as ek van agter vir 'n vrou loer en dit lyk of haar boude besig is om haar g-string op te eet. Dit het net gewerk vir Bill Clinton, toe Monica dit gedoen het. En kyk wat was die gevolge.
As jy ´n rolletjie (of twee of drie...) het, moet asseblief nie´n boob-tube met ´n oop magie dra nie, ook nie 'n kort top by 'n hipster nie!
Die spek-wors/rolletjie suurdeeg wat oor ´n belt borrel is verkeerd in enige boek, en bederf die aptyt.
Alhoewel jy baie trots voel daarop, wil ons asb. nie jou nuwe naeltjiering sien nie, vernaam nie as jy die rolletjie eers moet oopvou terwyl jy met die ander hand 'n metaalverklikker gebruik om die dingetjie te probeer opspoor nie.
Onthou tog asb. om in die spieël te kyk voordat jy uit die huis gaan in die oggend, dit mag dalk vir jou lyk asof die mensdom jou bates wat oral uitpeul bewonder, maar wees verseker dat hulle jou in skok en afgryse aanstaar - al waaroor hul jou bewonder, is jou moed om so in die publiek te verskyn. Dit wys ook dadelik jy is very very lonely en available, want as jy iemand gehad het wat omgee, was jy onder huis-arres geplaas tot jy van gewaad verwissel het.
Wees asb. versigtig wanneer 'n broek gemaak uit die nuwe rekmateriaal gedra word - vernaam in wit/beige - dit lê beslis klem op alle bewegende dele asook haelduike/skade - die term "twee varkies in 'n nat streepsak" is hier goed van toepassing. Die toppunt is om 'n swart g-string daarby te dra wat die 2 varkies elkeen in sy eie hok probeer hou.
Nog 'n groot "no-no" is spykerhakke by 'n sweetpakbroek. Die wat net daarna kyk, begin al te sweet.
Wenke aan die mans
Werksdrag:
Wit sokkies word NOOIT by werksklere gedra nie, net pedofiele doen dit.
Jou sokkies se kleur moet by jou broek se kleur pas; donkerblou of donkergrys sokkies pas nie by ´n swart broek en swart skoene nie.
Van skoene gepraat; jy dra nie skoene met sole van meer as 1cm by ´n "pak" broek nie. Onthou, hoe hoër jy staan hoe harder val jy.
En as die skoen enige gechroomde metaal aan het, dra jy dit glad nie (behalwe as jy navorsing oor magneetvelde doen).
´n Das by ´n kortmouhemp lyk moer kommin en ‘n das wat te kort is, lyk nog erger - veral as jy 'n pens het, vat dit die koek.
Effekleurige dashemde met wit krae is dood - brand of begrawe dit. Moet nooit ´n geel das dra nie, dit lyk of ´n heks op jou gekots het. Moet ook nooit ´n das met Disney-karakters dra nie - as jy ernstig opgeneem wil word, moet jy soos "CNN" lyk, nie soos "Cartoon Network" nie. Colour-code beteken NIE dat jou Disney-karakter-kouse en -das bymekaar moet pas nie!!!!
Informeel:
'n Swart belt of skoene word nie by blou jeans gedra nie. ´n Belt buckle wat groter is as jou kop word slegs gedra as jy op vakansie is in Texas of Vereeniging.
Jy dra nie ´n afmouhemp in die publiek nie, die chicks speck jou wel meer, maar dis uit afgryse - jy fire nie hulle jets nie!
PT-broeke met die ¨slits¨ aan die kante lyk, en is ongemaklik, moenie dit dra behalwe as jy ander gay mense opgewonde wil maak, of 'n skelm poep wil laat ontsnap nie.
Die hele doel van ´n pet, is om die son uit jou oë te hou, nie uit jou ore of agterkop nie, dra die afdakkie na voor en as jy onderdak inloop, haal dit af.
Jou broek se bokant moet op jou heupbene sit, nie onder jou gat of onder jou arms nie. Niemand stel belang hoe jou boxer lyk of watse snaakse vorme jou genitalieë onder druk aanneem nie.
Bykomstighede:
´n Sonbril hoort op jou oë, in sy sakkie, of in jou hand, nie op jou kop, om jou nek, of voor aan jou kraag nie! En haal tog jou sonbril af as jy met iemand praat, behalwe as jy nou net iets gesteel het.
Sonbrille hoort glad nie naby jou in die aand nie. Die woord "Sonbril" verklaar alles - dis slegs nodig in die dag wanneer die son skyn vir die mense wie se oë sensitief is vir lig
Mans/dames - 'n bril op jou kop in die aand is kommin! Dames (en vir die mans wat daarna hunker...) - daar is die mooiste haargoedjies op die winkelrakke beskikbaar om daai kuif uit die oë te hou.
´n Selfoon moet nie aan jou belt gedra word nie - dis ´n Nokia, nie ´n Beretta nie.
'n Belt is gemaak om jou broek bo te hou, nie vir jou selfoon, knipmes, Leatherman, toolbox, Beretta, Beretta se laserscope, Beretta se ekstra patrone, botteltjie haarolie, kondome, ens nie.
Jou kam hoort in die badkamer, nie in jou kous nie, maakie saak wat jou pa destyds gesê het nie! En haarolie is iets wat deur die Nazi's uitgedink is om vroue reg oor die wereld te pynig, hulle noem dit massamarteling.
Sterkte...
Three men and the Pope
Three South Africans are sitting in a restaurant.
Suddenly they start staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He looks so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad. They stare and stare, until suddenly the one man shouts: "My goodness, that is the POPE!" Sure enough, it is the POPE.
Thrilled, they club in and send him over the best course on the menu. The Pope accepts the food, smiles over at the three men, and starts eating. After he's finished eating, the Pope approaches the trio. He reaches for the hand of the one man and shakes it, thanking him for the food.
When he lets go, the man gives a cry of amazement: "My Goodness! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"
The Pope then also shakes the second man's hand, thanking him.
As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. "It's true bru, the bad back I've had all my life is completely cured. It's a miracle!"
The Pope then approaches the third man who knocks over a chair and a table in trying to get away from the Pope.
"What's wrong?" asks the Pope.
The man shouts, "Don't touch me, I'm on a disability grant!!!
Kemo Sabe
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Soccer for Liverpool
The Liverpool manager, Rafael Benitez, flies to Cape Town to watch a young South African play football. He is suitably impressed and arranges him to come over to Anfield.
Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Manchester Utd with only 20 minutes left to play. The manager gives the young SA striker the nod and on he goes.
The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.
'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, and we were 4-0
down but I scored 5 goals and we won, Everybody loves me, the fans, the media,
they all love me.'
'Wonderful,' cries his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed; your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters and all while you were having such a great time playing bloody football.'
The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry.'
"Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!" shrieks his mum, "It's your bloody fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place.
I'm suffering from Age-Related Attention Deficit Disorder
These are typical symptoms:
I decide to water the lawn. As I turn on the tap to the hose pipe, I look at the car and decide it needs washing. As I head for the garage, I notice some post in the letter box.
I decide to go through the post before I wash the car.
I put the car keys down on the porch table, put the junk mail in the bin under the table, and notice that it's full. So I decide to put the bills back on the porch table and empty the bin first.
But then I think, no, before I forget I'll pay the bills first. I pick up my cheque book, and see there's only one cheque left. My new cheque book is in the desk in the study, so I go there, where I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for the new cheque book, but first I take care to move the can of Coke aside, so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I notice that the Coke is getting warm, so decide to put it in the fridge to keep it cold.
Going towards the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the table catches my eye - they need to be watered.
I put the can down on the table, and find my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide they'll be safer back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I put the glasses back down on the table, fill a jug with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
When we want to watch TV tonight, I'll be looking for the remote, but won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the living room where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water into the flower vase, but some of it spills onto the carpet.
I quickly put the remote back on the table, get some towels and mop the carpet dry.
Then I go down the hall, trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:-
* the lawn hasn't been watered,
* the car hasn't been washed,
* the bills haven't been paid,
* there's a warm can of Coke sitting on the table,
* the flowers don't have enough water,
* there's still only one cheque in my cheque book,
* I can't find the remote,
* I can't find my glasses,
* I can't remember where I put the car keys.
My next-door neighbour has called to tell me he turned off the hose because water was running down my drive onto the road.
Then when I try to work out how I didn't achieve anything today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day, and I'm really tired. I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
Don't laugh.
If this isn't you yet, then your day's coming!
GROWING OLDER IS COMPULSORY.
GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL.
LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC
A Modern Parable
A Japanese company (Toyota) and an American company (General Motors) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.
The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing. Feeling a deeper study was in order, American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion. They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing. Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the 'Rowing Team Quality First Program' with meetings, dinners and free pens for each rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.
The next year the Japanese won by two miles.
Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and cancelled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's racing team was out-sourced to India.
Sadly, The End.
Here's something else to think about: Ford has spent the last thirty years moving all its factories out of the US, claiming they can't make money paying American wages. TOYOTA has spent the last thirty years building more than a dozen plants inside the US. The last quarter's results: TOYOTA makes 4 billion in profits while Ford racked up 9 billion in losses. Ford folks are still scratching their heads.
IF THIS WASN'T SO SAD, IT MIGHT BE FUNNY
Poker in heaven
Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.
They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.
The angel said 'Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which of one of you will be admitted.'
The angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly took off her top and said, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'
The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth, the same question.
The Queen walked over to a toilet, pressed the lever, and flushed it without saying a word.
The Angel immediately said, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven.'
Dolly was outraged and asked, 'What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?'
'Sorry, Dolly,' said the Angel, 'but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are.'
The Scottish golfer
An 80-year-old Scotsman goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'How do you stay in such great physical condition?'
I'm Scottish and I am a golfer,' says the old guy, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a wee glass of whisky, and all is well.'
'Well,' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?'
'Who said my Dads deid?'
The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Dad's still alive. How old is he?'
'He's 100 years old,' says the Old Scottish golfer. 'In fact he golfed wi' me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had anither wee dram and that's why he's still alive.
'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?'
'Who said my grandad's deid?'
Stunned, the doctor asks, 'You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?'
'He's 118 years old,' says the Old Scottish golfer.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'
'No. Grandad couldnae go this mornin' because he's getting married today.'
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married!! Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?'
'Who said he wanted to?'
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
My wife then called him an anal moron. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes as the more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus and the car had a Julius Malema supporter sticker on it. Now that we are retired we try to have a little fun each day; it's important at our age.
Video clip - When last have you had your eyes tested?
Tit for Tat
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded, smelly and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome!"
"So, how are you getting there?" "We're taking Continental," was the reply, "We got a great rate!""Continental?" said the hairdresser. "That's a crap airline. Their planes are ancient, their flight attendants are brash, and they're always late."
"So, where are you staying in Rome ?" "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste." "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump and I mean a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope." "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser, "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again in came for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome. "It was wonderful," exclaimed the woman. "Not only were we on time on one of Continental's brand-new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome, pleasant, 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot."
"And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million re-modelling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!" "Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope." "Actually, we were quite lucky," said the woman, "As we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors one-on-one and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me."
"Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few soft words to me."
"Oh, really! What did he say?"
"He asked me who buggered up my hair, he noticed it from the balcony!"
I think you're the father of one of my kids
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello.
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,
"Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."
Religious Marketing
Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a Cross in front of him, the other a Star of David.
Many people pass by and look at both beggars, but, invariably, they only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross. A priest comes by, stops and watches the multitudes of people giving money to the beggar behind the Cross, but none giving to the beggar behind the Star of David.
Finally, the priest approaches the beggar behind the Star of David and says: ‘My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a Cross. In fact, they'll probably make a donation to him just out of spite.'
The beggar behind the Star of David listens quietly to the priest, and then finally turns to the beggar with the Cross and says: ‘Sol, so look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about Marketing!'
Who's the dummy?
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Islamorada.
With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.
What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?
What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching their full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humour!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde yells:
"You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"
Even better than the baby shower
A TAX (LIFE?) LESSON
Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to R100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:
the first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing, the fifth R1, the sixth R3, the seventh R7, the eighth R12, the ninth R18 and the tenth man (the richest) would pay R59.
So, that's what they decided to do..
The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve ball. "Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by R20". Drinks for the ten men would now cost just R80. The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes. So the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men - the paying customers? How could they divide the R20 windfall so that everyone would get his fair share? They realised that R20 divided by six is R3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer. So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by a higher percentage the poorer he was, to follow the principle of the tax system they had been using, and he proceeded to work out the amounts he suggested that each should now pay. And so the fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% saving). The sixth now paid R2 instead of R3 (33% saving), the seventh R5 instead of R7 (28% saving), the eighth R9 instead of R12 (25% saving), the ninth R14 instead of R18 (22% saving), and the tenth now paid R49 instead of R59 (16% saving). Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But, once outside the bar, the men began to compare their savings. "I only got a pound out of the R20 saving," declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man,"but he got R10!" "Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved a rand too. It's unfair that he got ten times more benefit than me!" "That's true!" shouted the seventh man, "Why should he get R10 back, when I got only R2?
The wealthy get all the breaks!"
"Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison, "we didn't get anything at all. This new tax system exploits the poor!" The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up. The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had their beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill! And that, boys and girls, journalists and government ministers, is how our tax system works. The people who already pay the highest taxes will naturally get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas, where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.
For those who understand, no explanation is needed.
For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible.
